Ep 6. Understanding Elopement

 Join your hosts, Todd and Amanda Johnson, as they peel back the layers of their elopement experience.  In today's episode, they don't just share their personal story, but also offer insights into the reasons why autistic children elope, and discuss proactive steps you can take to manage your fear of elopement. It's not about blame, but about understanding, as they discuss the guilt and isolation that parents may undergo following such incidents. Their hope is that their journey can provide some solace for parent listeners facing similar challenges. We wrap up this episode with a heartfelt prayer, for peace, understanding, and the safety of all children.

Chapters

• 0:15 Eloping
• 9:30 Preventing Child Elopement and Ensuring Safety
• 20:12 Prayer for Parents Dealing With Challenges

Transcript

Todd: 0:15

Hello and welcome to Not An Island podcast, the podcast series where we talk about faith, family and autism. We are your hosts, todd.

Amanda: 0:25

And Amanda.

Todd: 0:26

We're the Johnson's and we have a very special episode for you. Today. We're going to be talking about something that almost every autism family that we know deals with.

Amanda: 0:38

To some degree.

Todd: 0:39

To some degree, and we have a very scary experience with this and that topic is eloping. So before having a child with autism, I thought eloping was running away with your newly wed bride into the sunset without anyone knowing different kind of different kind, but for families with autism.

Todd: 1:03

For those of you who don't know or maybe haven't experienced this, eloping is when a child with autism bolts or runs away or escapes a situation without prior warning. You might be standing next to them one second outside and then, less than 10 seconds later, across the field, they are gone without any reason, seemingly so this.

Amanda: 1:29

This affected Ezra from the time pink and move pretty much part of you know, the initial red flags for a lot of people who've watched their diagnosis is them not responding to their name and Ezra would be running in one direction or walking in one direction and never turned back and look back. So yeah, and it can be extremely dangerous when you know we live on nine acres of land with ponds and woods and lots of things around us, and then also just in public, you know, as we're just trying to run out of restaurants before and there's, you know, highways, there, parks, even public parks. You know, keeping him in the park area for a long period of time was was.

Todd: 2:18

It was rough for a long time.

Amanda: 2:20

Things have been better lately, but we're going to get into this.

Todd: 2:24

So a loping, what is it? It's when a child runs away. It is also one of the leading causes of missing children in the United States. It's one of the leading causes of children who go missing. Maybe you get kidnapped, things like that. So it is very, very traumatizing and scary for a parent who goes through this. So, to start off, we're going to talk about our personal experience dealing with all dealing with a loping. We're just going to kind of hit the surface of it. Don't go too far into it, but yeah.

Amanda: 2:57

Well, I know I was just sharing, you know, this kind of just life in general with Ezra as an eloper, but I think one of our biggest fears was that he would get out at some point and you know, we wouldn't be aware of it and we've always kept everything on lockdown.

Amanda: 3:13

We've always kept child safety locks on everything. And after his baby brother was born I guess this was about, is this several months before he started kindergarten, maybe like six months before and we were home and I had used a lot of cleaner in the bathroom, in our bathroom, and I had my door propped open, because we don't have any windows in our bedroom or we have a window in our in our bathroom but it doesn't open.

Todd: 3:44

It's a solid it's solid.

Amanda: 3:46

And then our the window for our room is a double door that goes into our back porch. What do you call that? A French door, French?

Todd: 3:55

door.

Amanda: 3:56

With glass and and so in order to air out that room, you have to open a door. That's what I'm trying to say. And so I had that door open and I had everything closed up. So I thought, and somehow I thought Ezra was in his room and I was feeding his baby brother and putting him down for a nap, and I was like man, ezra got quiet and so I went in to see where he was and I didn't see him anywhere and utter fear, panic. It was like genuinely my worst nightmare. One of my greatest fears of all time was like happening in that moment and Todd was at work.

Todd: 4:39

It was about the time, the end of the day.

Amanda: 4:41

It was the end of the day.

Todd: 4:42

It was about the time he was gonna be coming home. I was actually clocking out when I got the call.

Amanda: 4:45

It was also time that school let out. So there's a lot of traffic and things in our area and my initial thought when Ezra got out he always been super attracted to water and, like I mentioned, we have ponds, we have one right out front of our house and then we have woods behind us and I thought either he's went to the water or he's went to the woods. And I laid baby brother down and I just went looking for him, frantic, like trying to find him. And the one place I didn't think to look, the one place I never thought he would be is where he was, and that was where my part of the story picks up.

Amanda: 5:27

She calls me 911 was already. Yeah, I had called 911.

Todd: 5:33

Yeah, and so I gave a description. He has autism, all that stuff. They already had a sheriff on the way and route and, needless to say, I was breaking land speed records to get over to the area. I was about 10 miles away and I drive up over the hill of this kind of busy road pretty busy road at four o'clock where no one's obeying the speed limit.

Todd: 5:58

It's a little country road that barely has a line in the middle, and everybody who's on it goes way over the speed limit Way over and a guy gets heavily trafficked because there's a lot of people who live there, I drive up as fast as I can toward our house, and on the road there's this gaggle of cars and my heart sank because, they were all stopped with their flashers on and I was screaming, got out of the car and there's Ezra on the side of the road with a man holding him, and, of course, this man.

Todd: 6:28

He didn't understand. He thought this was a situation negligence, but, truth be told, it was absolutely an accident that just couldn't have been avoided. Children with autism they do that, and so Ezra was fine, thank God. No injuries, not a single injury to his body. The sheriff was there, we talked and he said, yeah, no, this happens all the time, just keep an eye on him. And so we got him home and we started discussing ways that we're going to mitigate this in the future, which is our third point in this episode, but we'll be discussing it in a minute.

Amanda: 7:12

Yeah, and I just wanted to say that that day there was a very short amount of time that passed I mean maybe five or 10 minutes that I was in the room trying to put baby brother down and I was like man, you know, and at the point in time for Ezra he was still in pull-ups, because that's a whole nother episode in itself.

Todd: 7:31

Not responding to his name, much less when a stranger is trying to talk to him to get some information out of him.

Amanda: 7:38

Well, my point was like he would go and get quiet and go potty, you know, and he's pull-up, and so that was my assumption, like I didn't think twice about it. And so when I walked into his room, I mean it was to my horror that he wasn't in there. And yeah, and that day I was running, friend and guys running back and forth to the woods the pond, the woods, the pond, like you know, I kept looking in the pond because that had been such a fear for me.

Amanda: 8:07

And then all of a sudden I thought I got to take off down this road because I haven't seen him here. And so I started off down the road and one of my neighbors had pulled in his driveway and I was frantic and I'm screaming like have you seen my child? And he was like I saw there was a child in the road, like the main road, and I'm like how did he get out there so fast?

Amanda: 8:31

Like you know, it's crazy how fast this kid is but that, and all the time I was looking and all the wrong. I mean even the ER, the paramedic, who, or whoever I was speaking with 911, the dispatcher on the call said go back in your house and look in your house. He might be hiding inside. And I really feel like I wasted all my time looking in all the wrong places. Hindsight is 20, 20. I would have never thought he would have went for the road.

Todd: 8:56

Yeah, so we're going to talk about the second topic before we discuss ways we've found to mitigate. But before we talk about the second topic, we wanna hear from you. If you have dealt with eloping, we'd love to hear from you. If it's something that you feel like you could share, leave a comment down below. Let us know what your experience with eloping has been. Maybe you have some kind of tech, some kind of answer for eloping that has really worked for you. Leave that in the comments as well. We would love to hear that.

Amanda: 9:30

I just, and I just have to say that I definitely felt very isolated in that moment. I felt I had a lot of guilt and a lot of things like coming at me and through my mind and a lot of fear, just of like wow, you know how did this happen? Under my watch.

Amanda: 9:46

You know guilt and shame and so if you've been there, you know that's a situation where I definitely felt alone. But you're not alone. There's other people who've been in those shoes and we were. I feel like we were the best about. You know, I think we were so much more concerned. We were less concerned about him getting out of our house and more concerned about him getting away in public for a long time, and we I mean we had harnesses and all kinds of things.

Todd: 10:13

One of those backpack leash things we never said. We always said we would never be leash parents until we had Ezra and Ruck. Yeah, we're leash parents.

Amanda: 10:20

We're a leash parents now.

Todd: 10:22

But we're talking about topic number two, which is why it happens. Generally speaking, children who elope usually elope because of fear. Sometimes there's literally no understandable or definable reason for it, but a lot of times it's stress. They are so stressed by something. Either they're stressed by where they're at or they're stressed to get to something. And in our particular situation, we found out exactly what it was. His at-home therapist left for the day and about. It was about an hour before and he was so stressed he had to get to her because he loved, loved, loved, loved his at-home therapist and he had to get to her. And that was what his mindset was. What did he do? He went up the road looking for her.

Amanda: 11:18

He went, he went where she, where he saw her go.

Todd: 11:20

She'd been gone for an hour but in his mind she was up the road and he was going to get to her. And you know, eloping can have a lot of reasons for why it happens, but in the end, Like Amanda said, it's it's. There's really no rhyme or reason, but it's it's. One thing that you can count on is that it's not your negligence as a parent, it's not something that you caused. I just want we want to keep hitting that home.

Todd: 11:54

Yeah that you, as a parent, if you've dealt with this before the guilt, the shame of a child who's eloped in your care, that it's Not uncommon, it's normal. But the most important thing is that you know what to do and you know ways to mitigate in the future. Yeah, and so.

Amanda: 12:15

I just want to add to that that, thank God, I really believe that day there were angels watching over.

Todd: 12:22

Ezra.

Amanda: 12:23

He was. He was in the middle of the road. He was actually going up the center stripe, they said, of the road at the busiest time of the day and, like I said, people don't mind the speed limit there at all or look at the road when a driver and Before this incident Ezra had absolutely no fear and no fear of moving vehicles whatsoever, every parking lot you know, in the way into a store or restaurant.

Amanda: 12:51

You had, like you had a death grip on him because you just didn't know, you know he couldn't be trusted, he didn't understand, like if he runs toward that car it could run him over and you might try to slip out of your Arms screaming and kicking, thinking he's got to get to wherever point B is Not, realizing there's cars between where you're at and point B right.

Amanda: 13:11

You know, and you're just trying to hold him and it it's a whole situation after this incident there was a heightened awareness of vehicles and they're even though it was an extremely Scary something that you never want to have to go through, there were some things that came out of it that were good. Part of it was on his part of recognizing you know, we can't run out in front of moving vehicles and things like that but on our part which is going into our next topic there were things that we had to set up in our home and Do after that to make sure that that never happened again well, one thing that really helped a lot was, like she said, he had this kind of healthy fear of Moving cars per se, but we started to instill into him the understanding.

Todd: 14:00

Yes that that mommy and daddy were so scared. Yes um I, you know he that actually worked for him it worked for him to understand mommy and daddy got scared when you did that, and there's other things.

Amanda: 14:14

We use well, and I would say too, with the fear of that, a lot of irrational fears that were also birthed. Yeah, that's irrational fears.

Todd: 14:22

There is a dog if that lives up the small road between here and that road.

Amanda: 14:27

I hate that. We told him that well.

Todd: 14:29

But Now you know he thinks there's a dog that's gonna get him if he goes up that road, which it's a big dog and it has been aggressive before, but nonetheless you know.

Amanda: 14:41

We were trying to let him know, like look, if you're away from mommy and daddy, we're not there to protect you. We do we doing to make sure that he's safe.

Todd: 14:49

That's the the end all be all. You know. Later on down the road we can tell him hey, buddy, you know we're doing that to teach you not to run away because you so many bad things could have happened.

Amanda: 15:01

But you know, when he's four years old at the time, like you, you do what you gotta do a lot of repetitive things like moving cars Are bad boo-boos, that's. That was something we said over and over again, and if you ask him to this day, what's a moving car?

Todd: 15:13

It's a bad boo-boo, yeah you know, he knows, we're aware and we've seen him actively move out of the way of cars and things you know when not even close to him.

Amanda: 15:23

But I think he would even pull his baby brother out, you know, out of the way he has that.

Todd: 15:26

Another thing we did is we constantly Watch this kid. When we're in public, when we're in the yard, we we constantly are in the back of our mind, knowing where as it can never be left unattended for any reason, at any time. Which he does not elope anymore, hopefully permanently, but he doesn't elope regardless. That's what we were saying when he did elope.

Amanda: 15:54

If anything, if anything. Now there's a lot of fears of different things or different noises or just whatever, and so if, if he notices that one of us Is what in the house and he's still outside, he runs in the house. You know, yeah, he's, yeah he does, he runs, he wants to be where we are alone.

Todd: 16:10

And the third thing that has really, really caused us to be able to Take a deep breath and sigh of relief is Technology. We have used the mess out of some technology. We have cameras all around our house that send alerts.

Todd: 16:27

Let us know doorbell camera yeah, we have doorbell camera, we have cameras at every corner of our house and it's all you know, sending alerts to our phones and just letting us know hey, someone's outside, or or because now, as Rick and I and I really think that day he got into one of the rooms with the this child lock on it, now he knows how to use them.

Amanda: 16:54

then he didn't, but I that's the only way I know that he got into that other room you know, but, but still, yeah, he knows how to use those, so we have to have, yeah, all the resources, but that is another thing.

Todd: 17:04

Child locks that worked for a long time. Child locks on our doorknobs. Child locks on our cabinets. Child locks on everything everything. And then one big thing that we use all the time is a GPS tracker.

Amanda: 17:18

Yes.

Todd: 17:19

Now there are some Cellular companies, like we had Verizon for the longest time and they have a GPS tracker watch. That is amazing for kids. It even has video capabilities. It auto answers, so the kid doesn't even have to answer the watch. It will answer when you call for them so you can know exactly what's going on.

Amanda: 17:45

Actively track them actively track, and it's actually accurate because there are a lot of these companies that are selling these, you know Trackers and things and it's. They're not accurate or there's a huge delay, maybe especially if you live, you know in the country like we do.

Todd: 18:01

Yeah, but GPS trackers are amazing. One, one added feature that I would advise, something that we need to do as well Find a way that when you're out in public with that GPS tracker with your child, if you, if you use one, find a way to where it cannot be removed by them or specifically by anyone else. God forbid something happens to your child, but in the event that they do, that GPS tracker is on them and not coming off. So, and there's a few different ones that have those capabilities and have those, you know, things available to help you. But Technology has been a huge, huge advantage for for our family with eloping, so no doubt.

Todd: 18:53

But yeah, so as far as the loping goes, that's been our experience with the loping. We want to hear yours. Like I said, leave a comment down below. Let us know what a loping has been like for you. Also, please, if you're watching this on YouTube, hit subscribe, like the video, hit the bell. Make sure that when new content comes out, you are notified. Also, if you're on our podcast app, if you're on Spotify, iTunes, wherever you get your podcasts, please, please, please, rate and leave a review. We would love to hear how we are doing and ways that we can improve our podcast.

Amanda: 19:32

We are so wiggin' it. We've just had a dream to do this for so long and we're just jumping in and just talking about all the things.

Todd: 19:42

One final thing if you are affected by a loping or if you know someone who is affected by a loping, please share this episode. We're trying to get the word out as to what we're doing. It means a ton to us that you would take your time out to listen, much less share it. We know there are tons of other families who could use and need this information and this message of hope and acceptance and faith.

Amanda: 20:09

You gonna pray us out this time?

Todd: 20:10

Yeah, I can pray, father.

Todd: 20:12

God, we thank you for just another moment, just to be able to love on you and show that you are in all, lord, that you are in every situation, just like a man just said about us that your guardian angels are watching over our children. Lord and Father, just for the parents who have dealt with this with the loping Lord, we just ask that you would bring peace and understanding and just rest to their minds, father, when things are trying to keep them up, when thoughts are trying to keep them up at night, whether it's guilt, shame or what ifs, or just the fear of the unknown. Lord, we just ask that you would calm their minds and that things would come to fruition that they never thought could, father, that things would come to fruition that helps their child be set up to be safe and be able to pass through this world very just, smoothly. God, we just thank you for everyone who's listening, everyone who's watching, and we just ask for your special blessing over every one of them and every one of their children. It's in Jesus' precious name, amen.

Todd: 21:30

Well, we are Todd and Amanda Johnson, and thanks for listening and until next time. Bye. God bless you, guys. You.